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'Am I allowed to wake up?'


The day started like any other. With the voice. Elis didn't know how long she had had it. It just started one day, asking if she had permission or perhaps deserved to do things. She couldn't remember ever being able to ignore it. When she was younger it lost her desert or extra time doing things she enjoyed.

'Am I allowed to eat today?'


Cereal fell from a cardboard box and tinked into bowl. She opened the fridge and noticed that there was only a small amount of milk left. Perhaps a little more than a bowl.

'Am I allowed to finish the milk?'


Her stomach twisted. What if someone else wanted the milk and she had it? That wouldn't be right. She shut the door and began digging into her dry cereal.

That's how it happened. Every time the voice said no Elis was guilt ridden.

As she ate her food she checked her phone. The social media was already fireing off role call, who was eating what with who this morning. Jessica, the most pretty girl in school, mentioned she had a bad screw last night. Elis rolled her eyes as she scrolled past  looking for someone in particular.

-Stomach is killing me. Staying home, don't message.-

Her stomach dropped. Kyle was one of the few reasons the voice didn't take over during school. But today she was on her own.

"It's no big deal." She told herself while looking for her homework, "I've done it before. I'm a smart young lady and I should be able to do this." She copied the words her dad would tell her whenever she did something wrong. They sounded like they should help, but didn't.

She found her homework and groaned.

Am I allowed to skip school?


Her homework was completely illegible. It was plastered under spill of oatmeal. Proabably one of the boys last night. Her twin brothers were just 6 years old. They also cost her three hours of homework. She tried to pry at least the bottom sheet from the thick mess.


She suddenly held a large chunk of the bottom three sheets of homework. They were glued together. Elis dropped them onto the mess and sighed.

'Am I allowed to cry?'


She nodded. This wasn't something to cry over. She could just make it up with extra credit or something. It was only... three hours that she would never get back.
Even though tears wouldn't fall, she felt empty. Snagging her phone from her pocket she snapped a picture.


FML, Fuck my life, that's how she felt right now.

Am I allowed to tell the teachers?


They were already to busy as it is. She shouldn't bother them further. Elis gathered her jacket and bag and headed out to the bus stop. Her phone vibrated.

-Fuck, sorry girl. I got extra sheets ya can copy. #Helpasisterout-

She smiled. This was why she like social media. Her phone buzzed again.

Derin (Am I allowed to ignore? No.)
-Dumbass. You know better than leaving shit out-

Her smile fell. And that was why she hated social media. But he was right. She was a dumbass and she had no real reason for it. Just excuses like she was tired, or needed to take a shower or... she sighed. The bus was there, doors open waiting for her to get on. She forced herself up the steps.

Am I allowed a back seat?


She slid into a middle seat. Kyle wasn't there, so what was the point of sitting in the back? Might as well leave it to someone who deserved it. She watched out the window as the bus continued on it route. It came to Kyle's house.

"He's sick, Ms. Marry," Elis and about six other kids chimed in. The bus rolled to a stop anyways and stood there for a few minutes with the doors open. Elis could feel the cool, fall air and shivered.

Am I allowed a back seat? She asked the voice tentavly.

Her phone was buzzing again. This time a text from her mom.

-What does FML mean?-
Elis bit her lip as she tried to think of a decent lie

-Face My Life-

-OK What is that mess?-

-My homework sorry for leaving it out-

-Just make it up, copy off Cicyl and Loren, I'll pretend I don't know.-

-Thanks mom, I'll see you after school.- Elis smiled, her mom really was the best.

-I'll be late the boys need to be down at the clinic today for their pre-op.-


She didn't like the days where it was just her and her dad. He wasn't a bad guy, just gruff and busy. Denis was constantly sick and Daniel was always at his side, helping. This time they were both going under the knife because Denis needed a new kidney. Elis didn't agree with is. Why couldn't take a kidney from a perfectly good, dead kid?

Elis sighed and check the messages on her status. There was Loren.

-I got pre calc for you. #helpasisterout-

Someone dropped into the seat beside her.

"Hey, girl, take this." Cicyl, with her wild green afro shoved two yellow sheets at her. "Just let me know if I fucked up an answer."

"Thanks, you're such a life saver." She quickly scrawled down the answers, and was done before the bus reached the school. She handed both sheets back with corrected answers for 5 and 22.

"Two wrong? You just saved my ass, girl."

Elis laughed, "Me the ass saver? You're the one coming in like fucking Zoe ready to save the day."

"And you're my Kaylee to make sure the ship flies right." Cicyl grinned. They loved FireFly and often refered to each other as Zoe and Kaylee.

They chattered and Cicyl got her to laughing before they were off the bus and into the large building. It was time to hunt down a Loren. She was easy to spy, in their usual nook in the middle hall, just by the door that opened out to the school garden.

"Hey lovelies," Loren said setting down her book. She handed Elis four pages. "Just give me my copy before class and we're shiny."

"You guys are awesome."

"Hey, school is hell, don't need teachers berating you over homework to make it worse."
Elis got to work and was nearly through the first page when the first bell rang.

"That's us," Cicyl said snagging her bag. "Catch ya later!"

"Laters," and they were gone. The happy glow the brought with them lingered for a little bit of time. But she didn't have the homework for her first class, English.
Elis slipped into her mid room seat and hoped that her teacher wouldn't notice her not turning in her homework this time. She pulled out her tablet and opened the file that was her text book. She couldn't remember exactly what homework was last night, her mind was dense with Pre-Calc and history.

"Good Morning Class."

"Good Morning Mr. Gorn." She chimed in half paying attention. She had found the assignment and was trying to rush through it.

"If you didn't finish your homework last night, you should face your choices. NOT waste my time in My class, Miss Renshal."

Am I allowed to argue?


"Sorry Mr. Gorn." Elis whispered putting her pencil down. The happy glow her friends had brought was gone. Mr. Gorn was right, she was wasting his time. She was a waste of time.

The class went by in a grey blur and she wasn't able to remember anything Mr. Gorn had said. She had the new assignment on her tablet though.

The bell rang and Elis shuffled out with the rest of the class to rush to her next lesson at the other end of the school. It was too crowded and her body was numb. She didn't feel herself being shoved, but she felt the fall. Her tablet went sliding one way and her papers erupted. She groaned and rushed about trying to collect her pages in the mid-class traffic.


She snapped her neck back to see a foot easing off her tablet.

"No..." she whispered and dropped her papers a second time.

"Oh no. I'm so sorry, was that yours?" Elis shivered at the voice. It was Jessica.

"Yeah, could you hand it here?"

Jessica threw up her hands and shrugged, "As if I would help you." And walked off, leaving the device on the ground. Elis picked it up and tried to turn it on. The back light illuminated the bottom half of the screen. The rest was dead.

Am I allowed to cry?


Elis nodded. She should have been more careful. She felt numb as she collected the rest of her pages and shuffled to class. She couldn't remember anything from her class despite sitting next to Cicyl.

Am I allowed to talk with my friend?


Am I allowed to explain why my tablet doesn't work?


She looked at the ground throughout the lectures and felt a slight lift at lunch.

"Dumb bitch deserves an acid enima." Cicyl said through her mouthful of taco.

Elis laughed and took a first swig of her milk. She gagged and coughed it out.

"What hell!" Loren said grabbing the carton, "It's rotten."

"Just great. I just can't get ahead today," Elis said staring at her food.

Am I allowed to eat?


She shoved the tray aside and rested her head in her arms. Today was just against her. Might as well give up now.

"You need to eat something, hun."

"I'm not hungry." The putrid flavor of rancid milk coated her tongue. She would kill to get a small bit of anything to wash away the taste. But the voice said no.

So she ignored her friends' attempts to get food in her and finally set off to her last two classes before school ended. Pre-calc was alright with Loren next to her. She was almost able to smile, and having the actual homework to turn in was a bonus. But the class didn't last forever and as soon as it was over the grey bubble surrounded her once more. She trudged off to her last class, biology, with a sense of uneasy relief. If she could just make it through this last class, she would have survived school.

She didn't have the homework for this class either and Mrs. Beets was as hard as teachers got. After roll call she called for Jessica to collect the homework. Elis watched as she jumped up, her pretty golden curls bouncing with the motion. She traveled from row to row collecting sheets. As she walked by Elis she dropped a folded paper on the desk. It was folded in the old-school note fashion. Elis picked it up eyeing Jessica, who winked before taking her payload to Mrs. Beets.

Elis tried to be stealthy and opened the page.

"Elis Renshaw," Mrs. Beets barked, "Would you kindly stand and share with our class what's distracting you from our lesson?"

Her stomach dropped. She could her Jessica quietly tittering in the back corner. Elis stood still fumbling with the page. When she got it open Mrs. Beets said, "Read it to the class."


Don't fuck your boyfriend, he's ..." Her stomach fell, "A bad screw. Hashtag Helpasisterout..." She forced the last words out with venom, "With love, Jessica."

The world opened up and she stood suspended between the deep pits and the shocked and mocking class.

Am I allowed to cry?

No. She answered the voice. Her throat was dry.

Am I allowed to cry?


Am I allowed to cry?

No. She wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

Am I aloud to cry?


Elis sat back down and stared at her desk.

Am I allowed to cry?

No. Her eyes itched.

Am I allowed to cry?


The voice asked over an over but she forced the answer. She was not going to cry in class.

Am I allowed to cry?


Am I allowed to cry?

Am I allowed to cry?

Am I allowed to cry?

Was she even worthy of crying? Did she deserve to cry? What was the point anyway? She was just going to get hurt again. No. She wasn't Am I allowed to cry? to cry. She wasn't worth the energy. She wasn't even worth crying over...

She didn't notice when class was over or barely recognized when she was on the bus. She vaguely noticed Cicyl beside her. A soft, "My head hurts," got her to be quiet.

Am I allowed friends?


No, she wasn't worthy of the efforts they put into her. She couldn't reciprocate or make things even. She couldn't even offer a smile.

"See you tomorrow." Cicyl told her at her bus stop.

Elis' mood fell further. There was still tomorrow and all the days after that. She didn't want to face them.

Her house came and she trudged off. Her mood was low, and the note on the door made it lower.

Working late. Love Daddy.

Great. She wouldn't even see her family. She could have used the company, even if all he did was scowl at her.She got inside and found her bed. She wanted to take a short nap and set her alarm. But all she could do was think about what had happened that day. It was awful. And she would have to face it again tomorrow.

Am I allowed to cry?


Am I allowed to die?


It would make it a lot easier. She wouldn't have to deal with bullies or face Kyle or anything. There wouldn't be any more Jessica or Mrs. Beets. Cicyl and Loren wouldn't have to worry about her and she wouldn't be in anyone's way. She wouldn't have to worry about her homework being ruined by... her brothers.

She wouldn't see her brothers. Or congratulate Denis on finally being healthy. She wouldn't get to see her parents again...

Am I allowed to live?
Am I allowed...?
A long time ago, when I was in high school, I wrote a story because I was forced to. Even though I spent half an hour on it and didn't proof read it, I won a national contest for awareness of bullies. Ever since I have been guilt ridden and wanted to write it again and put more effort into it. Despite that want, I never got around to doing it because I never knew how to make it better. And honestly I hated it. It was a lie. A couple nights ago I couldn't sleep and my mind wondered back to that story and a new one began to form. This is that story. I hope you enjoy it. 
'HAVE A NICE MEAL' the microwave told me when I finally pulled out my lukewarm coffee. It was almost 2-o'clock and I had already gone through two cups; one had been gulped down that morning at breakfast and the other had been soaked into a stale towel that had also swallowed some spilled milk. I weaved through flashcards, tinker toys, and building blocks on my way to my chair. The kids were in their room watching a movie so I had been looking forward to a moment of peace to enjoy my brew. I sat down and took in that first, tepid sip.


Immediately my two and a half year old daughter, Diannah the Dinosaur, started crying. I clunked my coffee on the side table and rushed to their room. ‘Had she been climbing the dresser again?’ I thought to myself. Upon entering their room my six year old daughter, Sarah the Bug dispels this thought when she says, "It was an accident," from on her top bed bunk.

I glanced down at the Dinosaur. One side of her face was red, a large V-Tech laptop lay on the ground beside her.

"What happened?"

"It was an accident." The Bug repeated.

"What happened?"

"I threw the computer off my bed," she said slowly.

"Go stand in the corner," I told her. I tried to keep my tone level and attempted to sound stern, not upset, despite the anger that clouded my thoughts. I had six minutes to make sure Dinosaur was okay and to calm down before I had to deal with Bug.

I bent down to help the still crying Dinosaur up. I gave her a hug and she hugged back. That’s all she needed and her crying quickly subsided; She had always been thick skinned, as her nickname implied. I looked her over, her eyes weren’t dilated. "Can you count to five?" She responded by counting to not to five but to twelve because she's an overachiever like that. "Are you sleepy?"

"No. Fruit snack?"

I smiled, no concussion. "Okay, do you need some juice too?"

"Yes." She took my hand and led me to the kitchen. Checking the time out corner I saw that  Bug was standing there with her nose buried in said corner. ‘Good job,’ I thought to myself. I got Dinosaur some juice and she decided at the last minute she would prefer a bowl of blueberries to fruit snacks. Back in their room she grabbed her blanket and nestled into the comfy kid’s chair. She was quickly distracted with her favorite Ruby Gloom cartoons.

I took a deep breath and walked to the living room as the time-out alarm went off.

"Bug," I called as I sat down in my favorite chair, "We need to talk." The blue cushions did nothing to comfort the nervous feeling in my stomach.

She slid in quietly and said once more, "It was an accident."

I took a breath. "I know, but you hit your sister with a computer."

"I didn't mean to."

"And I'm happy about that, but you still hit her." I ran through my mind what punishments I could implement. She didn't do it on purpose, so a butt bopping wasn't in order. She had already lost all rights of choosing what shows to watch at bed time due to breaking one of her sisters toys earlier that morning; once again on accident. I didn't want to take T.V. away. What did my mom do when I had done something like this? At a loss of ideas I posed Bug with the question, "What are you going to do to make it better?"

She stared at me and I gave her a moment to think. "I can be nice to her." She responded hopefully.

I suppressed a sigh, trying to figure out where to go from here. ‘How could being nice be a punishment?’ Then I remembered something my mom told me nearly every day when I was Bug’s age: 5 nice things for every mean thing. "Okay." I told her. She smiled like she just got away with something, "You have to do 5 nice things for you sister. I'll be keeping track." Her smile faltered like mine used to when my mom had said the same thing.

"Like what?"

"Well you can start by apologizing."

She stomped off and I heard, "I'm sorry, Dinosaur." A few moments later, "Mom, she won't hug me back."

‘Well duh, you just hit her in the head with a computer,’ I thought, but instead I shouted,  "Give her time, her head still hurts," across the house as I made my way to their room .
I poked my head into their room, Bug was pouting on the makeshift couch and Dinosaur was watching Ruby Gloom while cuddling with Star the stuffed giraffe. When I reunited with my coffee I scowled at the cold brew and put it back into the microwave. "HAVE A NICE MEAL" it told me yet again and I stuck my tongue out at it. I pulled out the hot cup and started the trek back to my chair and found Bug picking up the flash cards.

"I'm cleaning up sissy's mess because it's nice."

I nodded and let a smile play at my lips, "Yes it is. That's two. Good Job."
Playing Nice
Something that happened the other day. I decided to put it in story format and share with you the headache it gave me. It was a long day to say the least. 
So my eye is still in warble warble mode... BUT! I saw a neuro-opthomologist about it and it turns out it is most likely just a 3 month long Migraine!!! WOOT! 

My eye is undamaged and life will go back to normal once the damned thing finally breaks. Problem is getting it to break. Right now I'm taking a fistful of meds every morning. I feel amazing while the meds are working. Still have warble vision, but it's taking some of the stress off my head. But once they stop working I have a killer headache and feeling back to shit. Can't stand the extremes between the two. But hopefully this means it will break soon. I will need to order an MRI later to make sure it's just a bad migraine and not something worse. I'll keep you all up to date. Love you all.
I have an appointment with an neuro opthomologist on the 15th. Hopefully they can figure out what's wrong with my eye and even reverse the damage that's been done.

Also, I'm doing Camp NaNoWriMo this July. Haven't really had anything post worth as of late. Might throw some Dragon's Blood at you or something. Now sure yet.
So my eye is still in warble warble mode... BUT! I saw a neuro-opthomologist about it and it turns out it is most likely just a 3 month long Migraine!!! WOOT! 

My eye is undamaged and life will go back to normal once the damned thing finally breaks. Problem is getting it to break. Right now I'm taking a fistful of meds every morning. I feel amazing while the meds are working. Still have warble vision, but it's taking some of the stress off my head. But once they stop working I have a killer headache and feeling back to shit. Can't stand the extremes between the two. But hopefully this means it will break soon. I will need to order an MRI later to make sure it's just a bad migraine and not something worse. I'll keep you all up to date. Love you all.


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Kandice Saur
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
I am a stay at home mom of two crazy children who like listening to me read H.P Lovecraft, fantasy stories and the occasion story by Mom.

My first love was my imagination and I am still in love with it. Now that my heart has more occupants I have less time to write, but that doesn't mean I am unhappy.

I enjoy writing just to write, but if someone likes it, it makes me twice as happy. If you don't like it I could always use the critique. I can always improve.

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Venom-V13 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2015
Happy Birthday!! Fun cake birthday cake
WTFgirl Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
THANK YOU!!! You're so awesome to hit me with this!
Venom-V13 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2015
Hehe, you're welcome, hopefully it was an awesome day! ;)
WTFgirl Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
It was pretty good. Pretty much like a normal good day.
(1 Reply)
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the watch!
WTFgirl Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
No prob. Thank you as well. 
CommnderShepard117 Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Anytime! Feel free to check out my gallery! :)
WDLady Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the faves, hon! :heart::love:
Poetically-Yours Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014
Thanks so much for the llama!
WTFgirl Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
No problem. You gave one and I returned one. 
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